"That was SO SWAGGY!!!" he screamed, jumping up and holding the Age Decompiler high above his head in victory. Suddenly, with a loud sploosh, a portal ripped open above him and out popped another Holden Secretbees. He grabbed the Age Decompiler and attempted to pull it from Holden's hands.
"GIVE ME THE AGE DECOMPILER, HOLDEN!!! I NEED IT TO LIKE, SAVE THE WORLD AND STUFF. You know, the usual!" Holden Secretbees shouted to the other Holden.
"No way, stupid. Who do you think you are, anyway? This is my Age Decompiler. I found it first!"
"No, you didn't. I found it, like, seven years ago. You break it in, like, five seconds, but I need it! GIVE IT BACK!" Future Holden pulled with all of his might, but suddenly stopped, his eyes wide open. "Holden, let go," he said as a purple spikey tentacle slithered up his back and down towards Present Day Holden.
"Oh, good one!" retorted Holden-from-the-now. "Like, I haven't seen the spiky tentacle slither down the back routine before. You'll have to do better than that Future Holden."
"No, seri-mmhy Hmmmomen, ed oh!" cried Holden of the Future as the tentacle wrapped around his neck and face, suffocating him. Finally, Future Holden's grasp loosened as the life fled from his eyes and he was ripped back through the portal.
"YES!!!" shouted Holden. "NOT EVEN I CAN BEAT MYSELF!
He jumped into the air and, like a football player does after a touchdown--or at least I heard they do, but who watches football?--he slammed the Age Decompiler onto the ground, smashing it into seven pieces.
He jumped into the air and, like a football player does after a touchdown--or at least I heard they do, but who watches football?--he slammed the Age Decompiler onto the ground, smashing it into seven pieces.
Suddenly, Holden was enveloped in a burning white light. The ground began to shake and the world started to twist and morph. He felt a large jolt, and looked down to see the earth split between his legs, the seven pieces of the Age Decompiler plunging into the crack. Holden stepped to the side of the expanding chasm and looked nervously into its depths. Then, he jumped.
"...hath so disposed of the condition of mankind, as in..."
"Yolo!" screamed Holden as he burst from the sky above a large wooden ship, landing on top of a funny looking man with one of the stupid old English white neck ring things. The strange people on the ship all gasped.
"MR. WINTHROP!" A woman shouted in a stupid, old fashioned voice. "MR. SOLOMON WINTHROP, ARE YOU WELL?" She took a step towards the still, lifeless man.
"STEP BACK, MARY! How do you know that flying man isn't a demon?" a scruffy looking man shouted, holder her back. Holden sat up, rubbing his head.
"Calm yourself, Mark, for we do not need any more trouble when faced with a matter this concerning."
"What knowledge have you of demons, Joseph?" the one named Mark retorted.
"What makes you think he's a demon?" asked joseph.
"Can you prove he is not?"
"Well, no, but--"
"I rest my case!" shouted Mark triumphantly. The people on the ship all nodded in agreement.
"Lol, you guys talk stupid. Hey, where did you get your clothes, the 1600s? Lol, losers," Holden laughed.
"So it speaks," replied Joseph. "Now, everybody step back. Mark, come to me. We will take this worshiper of Satan and demand it tells its quarrel with us."
"But Mark!" shouted Mary. "What sense does it make for a demon to float, for is it not angels that carry wings?"
"Corpus Nomorus!" Holden killed Mark. "You guys need to chill. Just relax and don't do it," said Holden. "It being bickering, I mean. Get to it, as in, let's get off this ship."
"MURDER!" shouted Joseph. "Kill hi--" Holden put his finger to Joseph's lips.
"Dude, calm down. I mean, YOLO, right? Say it with me. YYOOLLOO," Holden whispered slowly.
"Why, I nev--"
"Shhhh. YYOOLLOO," Holden said. "Come on now just try it. YOLO."
"Yolo," Joseph grinned. "Yolo! YOLO! YOLOOOOO!!!"
"Great, now that that's out of the way, I would like to make an announcement!" Holden shouted, standing as tall as he could. "I am a GOD, and you will worship me in all my glory, yada yada yada, the usual." He clapped his hands together. "Everyone get it? Good, now where exactly are we?"
"Well, this land is to be the Massachusetts Bay Colony, sir, and we--"
"Ah ah ah, you shale address me as The Great and Powerful Holden: God of Farts and Things!"
"Yes, of course. Great and Powerful Holden: God of Farts and Things, this is to be the Massachusetts Bay Colony."
"Nope, I don't like this spot. Let's go somewhere else!" Holden pulled his magical compass that he looted off a pirate he had killed. "This compass points wherever I want to go most. Let's go to West Future Town!" Holden picked a whip up off the ground. CRACK. "Get a move on!" CRACK. "CHIP CHOP CHIP!" CRACK!
The ship pulled up to the coast of West Future Town, and Holden and Company marched off the deck. That is to say, the crew and passengers marched off the ship whilst carrying Holden. After marching five miles in land, Holden decided that he was satisfied.
"Here we go. This place is much better! Welcome to West Future Town!"
"Um, God, I hate to tell you this, but, well, this land isn't ours."
"PPPBbbbbbtttttt!" Holden spat.
"But she is correct," said an annoying voice.
"What is that god awful and ugly sound? It sounds like a mix of a dying animal and someone far less handsome or talented than me."
"It was I, Dlanor."
"CRUCIO!" Holden shouted. Dlanor's body convulsed, and he hit the deck of the ship. "How dare you speak to me, you disgusting sad excuse for a human being. I would rather be in the company of poopoo than you!"
"Diiid you AH jusAH just say OW poopoo?!" Dlanor laughed.
"CHOP!" Holden delivered a swift karate chop down onto Dlanor's neck, and his head rolled away. Holden reached into Dlanor's pockets and pulled out a bag of rupees and a diary. He turned to the first, and only, entry and read aloud.
Today our ship gained a new passenger
as a strange being fell from the sky, claiming
to be a god. It's actually just Holden. He has
led us to the future location of West Future
Town, disregarding the fact that this land is
not ours. On another note, I did see a strange,
glowing metal shard fly into a nearby cave on
a hill. Maybe this is why Holden is here causing
so much trouble. He doesn't seem to know that
he is in the 1600s too. What a dork, right?
Dlanor Yelsaew
"Okay, cool. I can't remember the last time I killed Dlanor twice in a single day. Now, new plan. We need to go into the cave on yonder hill. Lol, yonder." Holden chuckled. "There should be, like, a glowing piece of magical metal. Knowing my luck, it's probs guarded by some sort of reference to movies, books, video games, celebrities, or politics that are somehow incapable of actually killing me and are often just really stupid. So, yeah, I'll be going an figuring that out while you guys build West Future Town. See you, Losers!"
Holden released the gas and flew to the top of the nearby hill and entered the cave.
"Hello?" Holden shouted. "The Rock? Hugo? Castro? Anybody?"
He walked through the cave, which traveled deep down into the ground. It was as if it were made by the impact of the Age Decompiler. Convenient right? In the distance, Holden saw a white light. The Age Decompiler! Holden ran straight for the light and, when he was only ten meters away, there was a blinding flash. When his vision cleared, Holden saw a portal open. A cyborg bearing the symbols of Mercution, as well as something unknown to Holden, stepped through the shimmering portal.
"Scanning. Scanning. Scanning." The cyborg scanned the entire cave and centered on Holden. The scanner shut off. "Scanning complete. Subject damaged. Incompatible for Dark Jed purpose cloning. Attempting repair. Releasing repair nanobots."
Holden felt a pinch on his stump, and he looked down to see his hand being rebuilt.
"Repair complete. You are compatible. You will be upgraded. Hold still for DNA scanning sequence, followed by immediate death." The robot slowly walked towards Holden.
Holden burst into laughter. "Lol, good one! You're so slow. Ha ha. There's no way you can catch me." He walked around the robot and removed a large red cable marked DO NOT REMOVE. The robot's head popped off. "HA HA HA HA HA! It's like a jack-in-the-box! I wanna do it again!" Holden grabbed the head and felt his hand burn. "OWCH!" he screamed, dropping the head to the ground.
"DNA scan complete. Process will soon commence," said the robot's head.
"Hm, whatevs." Holden grabbed a chunk of the Age Decompiler. The device enveloped him in a bright light and whisked him away to another time.
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